Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
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Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
