Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

I think this cat is broken

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes