Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
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Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle