Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
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The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why