Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

What legos do when we’re not looking.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?