Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

Was it something I said?

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

😂🍻

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.