Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

when she block me on everything

even bears disappoint their mothers

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.