Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

The internet is magic sometimes.

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?