Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I march to the beat of my own dumb
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
idk what this dog had been going through but same
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”