Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

What fresh Hell is this?!?

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

#ParentingFacts

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

Big Sex has us all fooled