Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.