Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot