CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
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February
20掳
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Ah yes, it鈥檚 that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they鈥檒l bring me to financial ruin
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Why鈥檇 they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I honestly don鈥檛 have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don鈥檛 take orders from horse-beaters
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don鈥檛 get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn鈥檛 have access to my account information.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that鈥檚 any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
JOURNEY:
馃幎Strangers, waiting,馃幎
馃幎Up and down the boulevard馃幎
馃幎Their shadows searching in the night!馃幎ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
馃幎Streetlights,馃幎
馃幎people馃幎ME: Ah. Carry on.
There are two sides to every story and I鈥檓 usually wrong in both.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?