Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.