Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
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If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”