Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
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How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
