Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

sometimes i miss this memes

A ghost story

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that