Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

Gemma Correll

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

#MeanwhileinCanada

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.