Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Hamburger Hinderer.

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.