Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
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The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
SCARY COSTUME
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”