Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

Said the murderer.

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

What do you text your spouse?

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.