Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
a public service announcement
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
