Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT![]()
You Might Also Like
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
You’ll be OK
![]()
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
![]()
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.