Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
