Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Meowchelangelo
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
