Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

Oh deer

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”