Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?