Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
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My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.