Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
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#Thanos #MondayMood
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.