Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

If you love someone, let them tweet.

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

Interior designer.

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.