Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)