Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
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Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️