Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)