Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

This took me a second..

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes