Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

🤣🤣