Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.