Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
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I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!