Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

Lmao

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.