Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?