Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

Human are so complicated

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.