Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

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Pretty much. 🤣

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

life finds a way

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child