Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?