Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you