Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”

“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

◾️

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.