Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

Fries, not lies.

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

If you’re testing me, we failed.

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.