Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

i want to work in this restaurant

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

inventing words: clothing

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday