Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
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My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
So that’s what we looked like?
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out