Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
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No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.