*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
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This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
my one true gender
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…