*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
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Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
23. the denim jacket
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My Guy
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back