[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
