[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?