Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.