Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

She might be a genius

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics