Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm