Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
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my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.