Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
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Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns