Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

*apocalypse happens*

My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?

Me: No place has any wifi.

My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed