Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.