Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

You know…for fall…

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

Found my door mat

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me