Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
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[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
are there any atheist mantises?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
damn he’s good
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”