Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

so i’m at the stock market right

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”