Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
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[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
c’mon!
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”