Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
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Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Real bees work best
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Overindulged this afternoon.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
if you relate to me, get some help
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well