Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
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“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.