Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
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If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Watson was Holmes schooled
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.