Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
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My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
saving face 👀
