Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

Ken is short for chicken

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

We’ve all been there…