Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

moms in horror movies

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?