Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)