Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.

If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.

Like, if you agree.

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

i just found this in my phone

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”