[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
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I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle