Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.