children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
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The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I thought this was funny lol
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I unironically love this joke.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…