Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*