children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
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I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?