children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
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Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Great Canadian literature.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*