children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
This kinda thing happens to me often
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Good point.
#Caturday
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money