children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
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If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.